I’m gearing up for another competition. One of those ‘one last time’ situations I keep finding myself in. And as I’ve been grinding through camp, I keep coming back to the same question: why am I doing this?
Everyone has a why. There are books written about it, seminars built around it, entire coaching industries propped up on it. Your why gets you out of bed. It’s the thing behind the thing. Some people’s why is as simple as making rent this month. Others are building a legacy. Neither one is wrong. You just need one.
I’ve spent years trying to nail mine down. More than a decade of therapy, a real commitment to self-discipline, and a few psychedelic adventures I won’t go into detail about here. After all that, I still don’t fully understand it. But I’m a lot closer than I used to be.
Here’s where I’ve landed: I’m 49 years old, and I’m hell-bent on proving to myself that I can still compete at the highest level. I could tie that to childhood trauma, a misspent youth, or whatever my therapist and I are unpacking that month — and those things are real. But when I strip all that away, I keep arriving at the same answer.
I do it because I still can.
I can still go through a full training camp and walk into a West Coast Trials competition — a room full of some of the best and youngest talent in America — and stay competitive. That’s it. That’s the why. I don’t have anything to prove to anyone but myself. And honestly? I love that. Most of the time, anyway.
The Life I Didn’t Plan For
I’m 49 and I don’t have kids. Probably never will at this point. Never been married — wasn’t even close, honestly. It’s been an unconventional life. Often lonely. Sometimes brutal.
But through all of it, I never left the mats. Wrestling, boxing, BJJ — one of them was always there. It’s the one constant. My unconventional lifestyle, for all its costs, gave me the freedom to keep training. And now I have my own academy because of it.
Funny how that works.
What I Tell Everyone Who Wants to Start Jiu-Jitsu
When someone comes up to me and says they want to train, the first thing I ask is why. The answers are all over the place — get in shape, learn to defend myself, want to fight in the UFC someday. All valid. I’m not judging any of it.
But here’s what I tell them next, and this is the part that actually matters:
It doesn’t matter why you start. Because once you start, Jiu-Jitsu is going to challenge you in ways you never saw coming. And working through those challenges will give you things you never thought to ask for. The rewards stack up in ways your original goal never accounted for — and you’ll probably still hit your original goal on top of it.
That’s not just true about Jiu-Jitsu. That’s true about most meaningful things in life. You start a journey with one reason and end up somewhere richer than you planned.
How I Got Here
My first why was survival. Troubled childhood, so I ran toward athletics — specifically combat sports. The drama of it, the brotherhood, the clarity of a match. It made sense to me in a way regular life didn’t.
I bartended for years so I could compete and travel. The schedule worked. But I hadn’t dealt with any of my demons, so I self-medicated. Alcohol, drugs — the usual story for someone trying to outrun themselves. Eventually I reached a point where I couldn’t function on the mats unless I got my head right. So I cleaned up. Started working on the inside stuff. Therapy, spirituality, the slow and uncomfortable process of actually understanding yourself.
And here I am. Forty-nine years old, healthy gym, growing brand, and finally a clear picture of what drives me. My real why.
If you asked teenage me what was behind all that grinding, he couldn’t have told you. He didn’t know. But the road through all of it — including the hard parts, especially the hard parts — led me here. I’m not sure I get here any other way.
What My Why Looks Like Now
Today my why is staying sharp enough to compete, sharp enough to lead, and sharp enough to be useful to the people who rely on me. That’s it. Wherever I go, someone finds me and tells me I inspired them. I don’t take that lightly.
Keeping that up at 49 is close to a full-time job — training, peptides, stretching, diet, recovery. I’m not telling you to do all of that. Most people can’t, and that’s fine.
But you can do something. Cut back on the drinking. Get some training in. Eat better more consistently. Start a stretching routine. Pick one thing and start there. The compound effect of that one decision will take you places your original why never imagined.
That’s the whole point.
I share all of this — the training, the lifestyle, the lessons from 30+ years on the mats — through my content. If any of this resonates, come find me.
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